July 28, 2000

Crazy Interview

"Hi! May I help you?"

He took at deep breath, eyes closed, nostrils wide. "Be a winner!" he mouthed the words a couple of times and then opened his eyes. He saw her friendly, receptionist smile and visibly relaxed. He glanced down at the name plate on her desk, and, clearing his throat, said "Hello, Kelly. I'm here to see Mr. Paulsen. I'm applying for a position here."

Kelly blinked. "Uh, hmm…Did you make an appointment? What's your name, sir?"

"David Woolchester?"

She absorbed herself into her computer with a burst of staccato tapping. "David…Wool…chester…"

He looked around the room, his gaze shifting from a potted plant, to a modern splatter painting, to the tip of his right shoe, as if he wasn't quite sure where to look. Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he turned to look through the tinted glass doors at the parking lot. "Shoot! I didn't leave my lights on, did I??" He was speaking with his teeth clamped together, and vocal cords taunt with panic. "Please, please let them be off…"

Kelly looked up. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Oh!" He snapped to attention. "I, ah,…I was just saying how much of an independent, self-assured kind of guy I am. If my friends sum me up in one word, it would be confident and organized. Like a mailman. No! Not like a mailman! Like a-a congressman. People say I'm like a congressman."

She smiled, "OK!" and went back to her computer.

"Cripes! My resume!" He patted his jacket, searches his pockets frantically.

"OK, here it is, I see now," Kelly said. "You're pretty early for your appointment but I think he can see you now. If you'll come this way…"

"Ah, well, um, hold on one, one sec. I gotta…hold on." And, as if being chased, David ran out of the office.

"Huh." She watched him run to the parking lot, and noted, "He's a quick one."

When he came back, he had a thick file folder under one arm. "Heh, I-I'm sorry, I…You see, I saw this puppy, I-I mean a little old lady, I-I-I mean a puppy with a little old lady and they were about to step into traffic and I…I had to help! …I would say one of my best attributes is my desire to help others in crisis situations.

Kelly smiled. "OK!"

Led by the receptionist, David was escorted into a large, comfortable-looking office. Furniture was of leather and mahogany. The walls were painted in warm colors. A round-faced man with graying hair stood up behind his desk.

"It's good to see you, David. May I call you David?"

"S-Sure, that's fine, Mr. Paulsen."

"Actually, I have my doctorate, but I don't split hairs."

David's palms began to sweat. "Oh! I'm s-sorr-"

"No no, that's alright. Here, have a seat, David, make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink? Water? Soda?"

"No, thanks, I'm, ah, I'm good to go." He made an effort to bend his knees and sit in the chair.

Dr. Paulsen smiled warmly. "Excellent. So how are you doing? A little nervous?" David laughed nervously. "Oh, nah. I'm a people person. I love to talk to…to people."

"That's wonderful. So tell me more about yourself. Tell me about your family." He leaned forward, steepling his finger in front of him.

"Well, there's not a whole lot to tell. Um, my mother has an apartment over in Tampa. My father died a year before I was born, so I don't remember him very much. My mom doesn't like to talk about it, really."

Dr. Paulsen nodded, looking a bit perplexed. "Hm, I see. Do you have any siblings?"

"Yeah, I have a couple of younger brothers."

"Half brothers?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that, but they are a little short."

Dr. Paulsen stared at David a moment, but then laughed. "Oh! Oh, that's a joke!" He watched David's expression turn from serious to offended. He quickly cleared his throat and continued. "Yes, well, tell me more about yourself. Where are you now? In life, I mean."

"I graduated college a couple of years ago. Oh, here you go. I totally forgot." He handed him the thick file. "My resume."

Dr. Paulsen eyed the overflowing folder. "My, this is pretty hefty. Let's see…ah yes, education…University of…Cyber-Net? I don't think I've heard of that."

"Really? It's…it's real, if that's what you were thinking. "

He looked David sternly in the eye. "I'd never doubt that."

"You take this quiz online and if you get all the questions right, they mail you a real-live bachelor's degree in any major you want."

"Which did you choose?"

"All of them!" David's eyes shone with pride, like a boy showing his father a straight 'A' report card.

"Wow, impressive," he said.

David sighed. "A lot of people think it's not. They say I am…"

"That you're what?"

"Not …qualified. But you should see these quizzes, sir, they're not easy, let me tell you! Oh, Dr. Paulsen," he gushed, all at once confident and sure. "You've got to believe me. I'm so qualified for this position! Don't you see? I know it all!"

"Brain power isn't everything, David," he lightly scolded.

"Oh, well, take a look at my resume. I've got," and he paused there to puff out his chest, proudly. "Experience!"

"I'll say." He looked through the file. "Hmm…how long did you work at BizTech?

David looked blank. "Work?"

"Yes, you mention in here that you've had experience at Biz Tech enterprises?"

"Oh, I've had experience, yes."

"How long were you with Biztech?"

"Oh, OK, I…um, I was there for about fifteen minutes."

"You worked…fifteen minutes?" Dr. Paulsen looked incredulous.

"No, uh, I was there fifteen minutes. You know, for the interview."

"Interview? You mean you didn't actually work there?

"Not…'worked.' Uh, I-"

"David, where have you worked? Where have you held job at?"

His eyes dropped to his hands, knotting in his lap. "A job, um…well the thing is…"

"It's OK, David. Experience isn't everything."

"Really?"

He nodded. "There's personality, character, imagination. Here, I want you to play a little word game with me, OK?"

"OK."

"Tell me the first word that pops into your head…spring."

"Uh, warm."

"Bunny."

"Fuzzy."

"Sunshine."

David's head tilted up slowly. "Light."

"Good, now-"

"Cripes! I still left them on! And I even went back, but I totally forgot!" He bolted up out of his chair. "My battery is probably dead by now! Mother's gonna kill me!!" He ran out of the room, kicking his feet high into the air.

"So how did things go with your new patient?" Kelly asked, seeing Dr. Paulsen stride over to her desk. "He ran out of here again. He's always on the go, I guess. I'm sure he'll be back."

"And if he does, I think he'll be happy the interview went well. As far as I'm concerned, that man is prime material for Tampa Mental Wellness Center. It's people like that who give us job assurance."

"Great! I'll prepare Mr. Woolchester's room, then."